


If He Could Change The Past

by roserosa



Category: Glee
Genre: Dead Finn, Heavy Angst, M/M, Memory Alteration, Time Travel square
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-22
Updated: 2016-08-22
Packaged: 2018-08-10 10:58:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,251
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7842238
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/roserosa/pseuds/roserosa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's been six years since Finn died and Kurt's still not over it. In an attempt to try to get over him he decides to revisit the past to spend one last day with Finn.</p>
            </blockquote>





	If He Could Change The Past

**Author's Note:**

> This is the second piece of mine for the Fuckurt Trope Bingo 2016. The square was time travel but not in a literal sense.
> 
> This fic was self-betaed so any mistakes are my own.

The brochure promised the operation was the painless and the only safe way to time travel. Step back into your memories and re-imagine them to your satisfaction. No refunds. 

Kurt crumpled the brochure in his hand, looking between the paper and the building in front of him. His appointment was in five minutes, if he wanted to back out then now was the time. But as he stood there he felt his stomach clench, how could he even think about backing out? This was his only way to see Finn again, to speak to him and tell him what he always should have. It was the only way to close the hole in his heart. He swallowed, pulling his phone out of his pocket and switching it off.

It was time.

*** 

When his time came he was led into a plushly decorated office. A man sat behind the desk, a false smile painted all across his face as he gestured for Kurt to take a seat.  
"What can I help you with today?" he greeted. Kurt sat down, his tired eyes avoiding the doctor's gaze. He couldn't help feeling a little embarrassed, a little ridiculous and a lot pathetic. He knew people came here for all sorts of ridiculous reasons. Someone else in the show had only come in the week before so he could relive his glory days in the hope of his increased confidence drawing in more women. He'd been unbearable ever since. But something like this could also offer comfort, the technology allowed people to change something they wish hadn't happened without worrying about changing the present.

Not that he thought anything he could do would bring Finn back. He just needed him, he needed him now.

"I have a particular memory in mind that I'd like to go back and re-experience," Kurt explained, wincing inwardly at the obviousness of his statement. The doctor nodded, though, still smiling at him from across the desk.  
"That's what we're here for. Could you tell me more about that memory in particular?" He questioned. Kurt took a deep breath and began talking as the Doctor began to shuffle papers about in front of him.

"I'd like to go back to when I was nineteen. Six years ago now. I'd recently moved to New York and both my... brother and boyfriend were visiting me and my best friend. I found out that night that my boyfriend had cheated on me so I ended it. The next morning I found my brother sneaking off, not wanting to hang around. Now I wish I'd stopped him, spent more time," Kurt explained softly, his eyes dropping to his hands. He'd found a corner of paper that he was subconsciously tearing up. He forced himself to stop and look up. The doctor was nodding at him, the papers still in his hands now. He didn't even look to see what Kurt had been ripping up, he must be used to nervous behavior like that.  
"Have you remained in New York ever since then?"

"For the majority of that time, yes." The doctor nodded again before he handed the sheets of paper. As Kurt accepted them he realized that they were a legal waiver.  
"For this to work, we need to build as much of the memory as we can before the procedure. The weather, how things felt and smelled. The more we have to pinpoint the memory, the easier it will be to draw it out," he explained. "What you'll essentially be doing is a form of lucid dreaming. We'll recreate your settings as much as we can within the office before we sedate you. This won't knock you out completely but it will make you feel drowsy. Once we have you there then it's up to you. You can dream the memory as it is or you can change things as you see fit. Do you understand?" Kurt nodded in response and the doctor's smile lit up his face again.  
"Wonderful. I'll leave you to read and sign that whilst I make sure we'll all set up."

*** 

The office was very similar to the one Kurt had just exited only there was no desk in here. A brown leather recliner was set up in the middle of the room, very similar to the one they'd had back in the loft in Bushwick. He smiled sadly at the sight and moved to sit down. A nurse scuttled over to him, strapping hi wrists against the arms and his feet to the footrest before his head was strapped back against the headrest.  
"To make sure you don't lash out," she reassured. Kurt wasn't sure how that was supposed to be comforting but he'd read the waiver and he knew that sort of reaction was rare. It was just better to be safe than sorry. He'd been instructed to wear a short sleeved shirt and now she was trying to find a vein in his arm. He felt the prick of a needle and shut his eyes as he waited for the sedative to kick in. Around him, he heard the sound of early morning traffic start up around him.  
"Focus on the memory," she told him, stepping somewhere else but Kurt didn't know whether she'd left the room or not.

He thought back to that morning, remembered how terrible he'd felt and the sound of the loft door sliding open.

***

"Finn wait!"

Kurt blinked, taking in his surroundings seconds before he realized that he'd already spoken. He could see Finn's back, paused in the doorway, his bag slung over his shoulder as he turned to look at him.

"Did you want another hug?" He asked.

There was something so...lost in Finn's expression. It made Kurt's heart ache, even as he wanted to burst out into a song now that he was actually seeing him again. It had actually worked. He'd kind of expected the memory to be off somehow, kind of awkward even. But it felt oh so real, he felt like he was nineteen again and his finger felt so light without a ring on his finger. It was such a relief.

"No. I know you can't stay here but can we do something before you go? I've barely seen you," he asked, knowing that Finn wouldn't be able to say no after the night they'd had the night before. He did pause for a moment, frowning for a second before he sighed and attempted a tiny smile for Kurt.  
"Okay. I'll be in that coffee shop Rachel likes," he said, gesturing loosely ahead of him. Kurt nodded, remembering it well.   
"I'll meet you there."

He'd rushed towards the bathroom as the front door slid shut, managing to get in there for Rachel for the first time since they'd moved in. He spent barely half the time he usually would in there and when he grabbed clothes from his room, Blaine tried to stop him. He didn't even say good morning to Rachel as he passed her. He still had them both in his life, he wasn't going to get stuck in some droll conversation about a break up that had...happened years ago now. He slipped his shoes on and pretty much jogged out of the building and up the street. He paused outside of the coffee shop window and saw Finn sat inside with one cup in front of him and another across the table. Kurt couldn't stop the grin from breaking out across his face that time.

He was going to make this the best day ever.

*** 

When it came down to it they didn't really do much that day. Kurt showed Finn around some of the places that he'd always wanted to. They'd walked through Brooklyn browsing small stores looking for rare copies of albums of the many 80's bands that Finn was into, they'd laughed at hipsters and then had gotten a train into Manhattan together and grabbed something for dinner. After, Kurt suggested a walk in Central Park. Finn looked amused at the idea but agreed.

They walked in companionable silence as their hands swung side by side. Kurt eventually turned his hand and caught Finn's with his own. This was nice. It was nothing particularly special but...it was a nicer memory to have then Finn disappearing like he did. Finn looked down at their hands and laughed quietly.  
"You're more touchy-feely today than usual," Finn commented. Kurt shrugged and squeezed his hand.  
"I've just missed you," he said. And that had been the truth both then and now. He moved closer, resting his head against Finn's shoulder as they walked. Finn was quiet for a few moments.  
"I've missed you too, y'know? But I kept thinking...if I call you then I'd just want to follow you and that would feel too much like giving in. I just wanted to work out who I was," he said. Tears pricked at Kurt's eyes, he'd never known that. He'd just thought that Finn was so wrapped in self-pity that... oh god, he was a horrible person. Kurt stopped, releasing Finn's hand so he could stop in front of him. The tears were spilling out of his eyes now and he couldn't stop them.

"You didn't need to stay away to find out who you are, Finn. I could have helped you," he insisted, reaching out to grab hold of Finn's shirt to keep him there. "You're a wonderful, amazing man, Finn. You can be anything you want to be. You're smart, kind and such an amazing leader. You could be a great teacher or whatever you like," Kurt rambled, his eyes maybe a little too wide. Finn stared down at him, confusion flickering across his face for a second before it melted into concern.  
"Are you okay?" Finn asked. Kurt wanted to scream but instead, he nodded.  
"I'm fine. I've just been so worried about you," he insisted, pulling away to roughly wipe at his eyes. Finn sighed and wrapped his arms around Kurt tightly, squeezing him.  
"I'm fine, Kurt. I didn't realize you were so worried," he reassured and this time, Kurt did scoff.  
"This isn't about me, Finn. I just want you to know how important you are," he said. Then he did something that he hadn't planned on doing. He kissed Finn. It wasn't a chaste touch of the lips either. It was quick but rough, filled with the emotions that Kurt had been stifling for years. He felt his tears falling again and Finn froze against him for second before he kissed him back. Kurt felt Finn's arms tighten around him but he didn't pull away until they were both out of breath.

"What was that?" Finn asked, frowning slightly down at him. Kurt knew what was coming, some sort of comment about it being a rebound or something stupid. Dream or not, Kurt didn't have time to explain how long he'd been feeling this way. Instead, he pulled Finn in for another kiss, a quick peck this time before he met his eyes.

"I'm not doing this because I'm upset about Blaine, Finn. I need you and even if it's just for tonight I just want to have something," he told him, calmer than he had been all night. Finn watched him, trying to read his intentions on his face before he nodded.  
"Okay. Can we get a room somewhere? I don't want to go back to-" he broke off and looked at Kurt pleadingly. He nodded before he took his hand. If it had been real it would have cost him all he had left in his account back then but right now Kurt didn't care.

*** 

They didn't have sex that night, Kurt wasn't sure he'd be able to handle that. Instead, they just cuddled, Kurt telling Finn all about a future they could have if he was in it. Finn was pretty excited by the idea but eventually he nodded and...Kurt knew that was it. He stayed there for a few more seconds, just watching Finn for a second before he leant down and brushed their lips together one last time.

Then he closed his eyes and waited to wake up.

*** 

When he opened his eyes again he was back in the doctor's office. The nurse was back in front of him, asking him questions like what the date was and who was President. He muttered the answers, signed a few more papers and then left the office, feeling emptier than he had when he had entered.

It had been so good seeing Finn again, being with him and just...having him around. Why had he done that to himself? It had seemed like such a good idea at the time and now...

Kurt felt his phone vibrate in his hand as he turned it back on. It immediately blared at him, letting him know that he had two missed calls from Blaine. Just as he went to check his voicemail, it rang again. He picked up immediately.

“Kurt! Where have you been?” Blaine demanded, Kurt sighed and rubbed at his eyes with one hand.  
“I had a Doctor's appointment. Just a check up. I'm headed home now, though,” he answered. 

He didn't really want to be anywhere else right now. He'd gotten his fantasy, just like he'd wanted but it hadn't helped. If anything, it had just made things worse and yet...Kurt knew he'd be booking another appointment soon.


End file.
